Love will win out in the end

I woke up this morning at 3.45 feeling slightly unhinged, an anxiety gnawing away at my insides, I feel too tired for this, too weary. I feel overloaded, overwhelmed by the media coverage over recent weeks of the EU Referendum and as I check the time on my phone, I immediately catch sight of the newsfeed. The headlines increase my anxiety and I know I am not going to get back to sleep. I make my way downstairs to get myself a drink, hopefully by the time I have finished drinking it my anxiety will have shifted and I will be calm enough to do some meditation or even some yoga. I make a pledge to myself that today I won’t turn on the TV, I won’t look at my phone, in fact I am going to turn it off. Why? Because I will not allow myself to be subjected to the hatred and negativity that is being portrayed in the media, whether that is social or mainstream, it’s untenable.

In the peace and quiet of my home and maybe in the garden (if the rain stops) I will remember that despite everything that is being bounced around the media I am still a human being, who loves being part of Earth, our amazing beautiful universe and I still see its wonder no matter what happens, I feel lucky and grateful to be able to experience it. I love my fellow human beings there is so much talent, so much skill, so much knowledge between them I admire and I am inspired by them all. I love listening to their stories, challenges that they have over come, their ability to love despite hardships, trails and tribulations. We are as humans amazing capable of so much love, care and kindness, that is our common goal. From all the places I have travelled around the world over the years and the one thing that struck me the most is that whatever country you are in we as humans are all the same, we have the same fears, worries, problems, we love the same, we care the same and we can be kind. I found it so comforting to see that, that no matter what country you are from, gender, race, colour as humans we are the same, the barriers are not really there if you don’t want them to be.

I am heartbroken we have left the EU, and for the divisions that seem to have appeared across Europe, amongst the countries of the U.K, the hatred and the scaremongering, the fighting talk, the exaggerated press talk, the spin. It is all too much.

I voted to Remain in the EU because when I finally turned off the constant noise of the media spin i realised that my reasons for staying had nothing to do with what the politicians were saying, it had nothing to do with what my friends were saying or the newspapers. I realised it was about being true to myself, it was about sticking to my roots. With Italian and Polish Grandparents and Welsh and Irish Great Grandparents it just felt right to be part of something bigger. My genetic makeup is wider than being English. It was about what I loved about myself and my friends that are English, Welsh, Scottish, Irish, French, Italian and the rest of the world.

I like everybody is feeling uncertain at this moment in time, I actually feel displaced. I do admit to feeling frightened of the future. However what I do know is that as much as I am fearful I know that it is love that wins out in the end, it really doesn’t matter what the fear is and over the coming weeks, months, years I will be focusing on just that.

Love Andrea

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A childless mother

On more than one occasion I have been told that I am an inspiration but recently I have found comfort and inspiration in others. I cannot help be in awe of the brave and courageous women who have recently wrote about what it is to be like to be a childless women in society. Those women who have found themselves childless by circumstance and not by choice. If you asked me how long it has taken me to write this blog post I would tell you it has been 10 years in the making. It has been a blog post that has been far too painful and far too difficult to write. I read an article once in a newspaper a few years back, the journalist was reporting on women in society who were childless by choice, he/she wrote at the end that you often hear of stories from women who have chosen not to have children but rarely from those who haven’t chosen to be childless and wondered why. Well I know why, it is because it is because it is so difficult to admit that you have failed at one of the most natural events in a woman’s life that you can experience. It is about acknowledging the excruciating pain that you feel every day in your existence, you can not ignore what is in black and white. From day to day you live and existence that is on a periphery of society observing a world that you are not part of no matter what you have tried to do to turn the situation around. Nobody prepares you for the alienation and social isolation that you feel, there are no books, no courses it is just something that you have to live with. As the years end and a new one starts you start with hope and positivity, wondering if this is the year that things will change but as the weeks and months turn in to another year you remain the same, congratulating those who reached your hearts desire with a heart writhing in pain and desperately wishing it could be your turn. You spend your days wondering when your pain will end and throw yourself into life, experiencing all you can in the hope that it will dull the pain and it might do for a while but it remains there in the background, there are always reminders of what is missing.
You spend your time wondering what you did wrong, didn’t do, wondering at what point did you make a wrong turn at what point did you choose this for yourself. I have spent the past 5 years searching for answers that never came it is just how it is and has hard as it is you have to come to a place of acceptance that it didn’t happen to you. It is a time to turn inwards, reflect and show yourself the upmost care and love, the kind of care and love that you would have shown to your child had you been given the opportunity.

Dream

Have you ever heard the song Dream by Priscilla Ahn, its beautiful and full of emotion.  It isn’t a song I listen too often but it has been with me all day.  The words are beautiful and uplifting, the song could be interpreted to be about end of life but I really think its about life transition.  If you get a chance to listen to it……

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I’m old and feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell. I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

See you all soon x
dream-3

Love is all you need

imageSaturday morning I am sat in a cafe about 20 minutes away from home. I am sat reading lonely planet travel magazine. I look up and notice opposite me is a vintage style sign with the words LOVE is all you need. An overwhelming need to write wells up inside of me. I think I was born to write I just find it hard to create the space in my head that allows the right words to come through. I already know what I have to write, the dialogue has been coming through for a few days. Unable to articulate the words I need I know they will come through better on paper or in the present moment typed onto my iPhone in the notes page.

Standing alone with your thoughts and beliefs has to be one of the hardest things to face in life. You know the one where you have an opinion about something or a dream you want to fulfil but you find that everyone is against you, no one is with you, you are on your own.

It takes strength and courage to stand your ground because you know in your heart of hearts that you are right or you want to do something that you know is right for you. The thing is, what I have learnt over time is that standing your ground and walking the path you deserve comes with consequences. People turn against you, you are frozen out, ignored and isolated by those who feel you should follow their path. Their path is better for you, they wrongly assume they know their path is better for you. To not follow their path to these people means you are disloyal, you don’t care, you are going to forget about them and so they try to control you by ignoring you or saying hurtful things.

We have been blessed with privilege
to choose what we want to do with our time on earth, we are blessed with the choice to believe or not to believe in something, and if it isn’t hurting anybody what is the harm.

When will people learn that to hurt, controlled or manipulate can have devastating consequences on a persons physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual well being. To walk your own path does not mean you don’t care, it doesn’t mean you have no respect. When will these people learn that to stand tall, have strength and the courage to walk your own path, to have your own beliefs doesn’t require their criticism, opinion or control, it just requires their love and support-that is all that is needed. image

That Milestone

The year before last at the beginning of the year I wrote a little reflection piece about the previous year. Although I had intentions of writing something this year about last year it did not happen. As you know I will not write if it is forced, for me the words only go down on paper when they are ready to go down on paper.

 

I have had a fairly quiet weekend, I have been working my way through “My Mad Fat Diary” watching one episode after the other I can’t really remember the last time I sat down still for so long. If you don’t know the story it is about the diary of a 16 year old girl who has suffered a mental break down and it follows her recovery, therapy and coping mechanisms in her world. It was quite a compelling watch and I certainly recognized some of her experiences, feelings and emotions in myself, it prompted some reflection on my own life.

 

I have a feeling that this will be my final piece in the Love Yourself Better Blog, I am not sure why, I just have a feeling that it is time for something new. I mean, “never say never” but it is just a feeling I have. At the end of the week I will be celebrating my 40th birthday and I thought it would be a good time to write down what I learnt along the way…

 

Sometimes life just doesn’t go your way, it is always easy to say it but try not to worry, life has a funny way of turning out ok

 

There are many routes to success, you don’t have to follow a strict, straight path

 

I understand the benefits of having a 5 year, 10 year plan etc. I remember having one, I did everything on that plan but when I look back at that time, it was the most miserable time of my life.

 

Sometimes we choose a career path but later in life may discover that it is not the best thing for us, it isn’t the kindest thing for ourselves

 

It is ok to get up and walk away from something that is truly destroying your heart and soul, no matter what people say

 

Sometimes doing something new and different is the best medicine life can offer plus you never know what it might lead to

 

Be open to new experiences, even if things do not work out, you will obtain new skills and knowledge that will never leave you and you will be able to use them somewhere, somehow in your life.

 

Be open to knew people you just never know what you may learn

 

Sometimes people come into our lives that are just not good for us, they do not have your best interests at heart even though they say they do, they reflect your fears and have no support for your hopes and dreams

 

Some people are happy to support, encourage, love and help you,out in your time of need- keep hold of them, they are the best.

 

Always listen to your intuition

 

By all means ask people for advice but only you alone know what is best for you

 

Be true to your self about what you love

 

If you want to do something just do it, even if it is a case of taking baby steps for the next 5 years, it will be good for you

 

Just because your life isn’t like everyone else’s doesn’t mean it is wrong or will turn out in a negative way, it is just different.

 

Sometimes going with the flow just brings about the most amazing opportunities instead of trying to control everything and anything you do because ultimately we are humans not part of a process on a conveyor belt

 

Live your life and be with others.

 

All though it is hard, speaking up about how you really feel is the best way to go, it can move mountains

 

If there is something you cannot change, try changing how you think about it, try and turn it into something positive

 

I am sure there are many more I could write but I would be going on forever. I think what I would like to say is that even though life, can break you, pull you apart, make you cry and hurt you, you are never alone, there will always be someone somewhere experiencing something similar, we are all the same.

 

I don’t mind turning 40, I am quite happy, relaxed, peaceful and content with who I am, what I do and what I have experienced. For the record and I have said it many times before I do not feel old, I feel healthy, young and just/well myself really.   I have no idea what is to come but I know I am full of excitement and anticipation-it has taken such a long time to get here it feels good.

 

So as I was saying, I have a feeling this is my last piece I will write here, I just want to thank everyone for reading and supporting me whist I have been writing the love yourself better blog. There have been a few topics that I would have liked to have written about but didn’t but may be I will one day but in a different format.

 

And my final words…

 

Be kind to yourself, love yourself and if you don’t strive towards loving yourself better..

 

Andrea xx

Destined for Greatness

Hello everyone, how are you, I am amazed and happy that I am back in the “Love yourself better”  mode.  I read a few different blogs and it has made me want to pick it up again and it turns out that with a bit of encouragement from a few of you that today is the day.

Today is International Women’s day and I was going to write about that but to be fair to the men I didn’t write about men on International Mens day on November 14th 2014 so I will just focus on all of us together, we have a nice balance then.

“When you know you are destined for greatness, your potential haunts you. It keeps you up at night, you won’t feel complete until you succeed.”

It is no secret that I did not do well at school, my grades were not brilliant, I had to do a year of re-sits before I did my A-levels.   I found it a particular difficult and upsetting time. I genuinely do not know why I failed, I am very conscientious and apply myself 120% in everything that I do, I thought that I had done all the right things. I sometimes wonder if it is because half the subjects I did were not the ones I really wanted to do, you could only choose certain options in certain streams or we were sometimes discouraged from certain subjects, for example I really wanted to do Chemistry but teachers thought I would be better at Biology.  I am always quite amused by this because in my re-sit year I chose Chemistry and completed the course in one year and obtained a high-grade pass. My A-levels weren’t exactly a success either and because I was a year behind everyone else all my friends went to University and I felt that I was left behind. I do not remember it being a particularly happy time. Luckily for me, even though I felt lost and scared for my future my parents just kept on encouraging me to keep going.

 

When I look back at that time I realise that even though the experience was quite an unhappy one I was being shaped for my future, I was being taught a valuable lesson to never give up and that there is not just one path to success, in fact there are many.  Once or twice in my life there have been times when I have been reminded of this. As American author and journalist Krista Tippet says,

“The things that go wrong for you have a lot of potential to become part of your gift to the world”

The day I got my exam results I remember sitting on the floor at home with my Mum trying to console me, I was so upset, thinking how much of a failure I was. I wonder what I would have said if “older me from 2015” paid younger me from 1991” a visit and said please don’t cry because you are going to have a Postgraduate Diploma, a Degree, and two more Diplomas. You will be a success, you will travel the world, write and manage your own business.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are times when we do fall in life but do not worry, just pick yourself up and carry on. Sometimes it can feel like you are banging your head against the wall when one idea after another seems to go wrong and you are lost in what direction to take next.  Progress isn’t about the big achievements,  progress and achievement comes in small ways too.  Just keep trying and don’t give up and above all don’t let the fear of failure stop you from playing the game…..

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When the unachievable is achieved

An amazing year has been achieved, it has been a time of change and development internally and externally.  It has been a time of surrender, letting go instead of clinging to the old and outdated. Leaving the things behind that no longer support Soul and Spirit, for it is there that the gold lies.  The gold  has been allowed to shine through instead of suffocating it behind  the controlling actions we allow ourselves to pose upon ourselves.

The seeds that were planted have grown and bloomed, the harvest is here.  For the seeds that did not grow there was no need for upset, no need for sadness, just a requirement to let them go.  They were never meant to grow, never meant to be,  and on this occasion had no part to play in the garden that exists. Even without them a beautiful garden still exists for all those who can see to see it.   The teachers along the way have been encouraging and supportive, steering me in the right direction and I thank them for what they have done and help they  have given to me.  I am thankful and grateful and will continue to support them in the work that they do.

My aim is to continue to let go of the past disappointments, release the fear and the beliefs that there are some things that are unachievable…BUT what was once seen has unachievable  has already been achieved, it has already happened, already occurred, you know it and you can already see it.

Love Andrea x